Don’t let the holidays become something you dread. Instead, take steps to prevent the stress and depression that can descend during the holidays. Learn to recognize your holiday triggers, such as financial pressures, children “gimmies” (I want x, I want y, gimmie that toy!”) or personal demands, so you can combat them before they lead to a meltdown. With a little planning and some positive thinking, you and your family can find peace and joy during the holidays.
The Art of Appreciation
Gratitude is one of the trickiest concepts to teach children– and not just toddlers and preschoolers who are by nature self-centered! Sure, thankful children are more polite and pleasant to be around, but there’s more to it than that. By learning gratitude, they become sensitive to the feelings of others, developing empathy and other life skills along the way (Lewis, 2005). Grateful kids look outside their one-person universe and understand that their parents and other people do things for them — prepare dinner, dole out hugs, buy toys. “On the flip side, kids who aren’t taught to be grateful end up feeling entitled and perpetually disappointed,” says Lewis.
Instilling grateful feelings now will benefit your child later in life (APA, 2011). A 2003 study at the University of California at Davis showed that grateful people report higher levels of happiness and optimism — along with lower levels of depression and stress. The catch? No one is born grateful–recognizing that someone has gone out of the way for you is not a natural behavior for children — it’s learned (Grant AM, et al., 2010).
Holiday stress and “the gimmies”: teaching gratitude
Recently a client expressed frustration at the apparent lack of gratitude by their child around holidays. “Whenever we drive past a toy store, he starts his pleading. Last year we were Convinced that nothing would make him happier than a particular toy or video game. We finally caved in and bought him the most expensive version on the market for the toy– we thought that he would be thankful when he opens this gift,” And yes, our child was thrilled — for about a week. Then, we noticed the toy spent most of its time in his closet, as our child begged for other, even more expensive toy. “You’d think he’d be grateful for what he has,” our client complained, but it seems that “the more we give our child, the appreciation we see.”
In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships (Sansone RA, et al. 2010). We know this about adults– but what about children and gratitude?
Children model their parents in every way, so make sure you use “please” and “thank you” when you talk to them. (“Thanks for that hug — it made me feel great!”) Insist on their using the words, too (Anwar, 2010, Emmons RA, et al., 2003)! Other ways to cultivate gratitude include:
Work gratitude into your daily conversation. The client described earlier began trying to weave appreciation for mundane things into their our everyday talk. (“We’re so lucky to have a good cat like Fuzzy!” “Aren’t the colors in the sunset amazing?” “I’m so happy when you listen!”) When you reinforce an idea frequently, it’s more likely to stick. One way to turn up the gratitude in your house is to pick a “thanking” part of the day. Two old-fashioned, tried-and-true ideas: Make saying what good things happened today part of the dinnertime conversation or make bedtime prayers part of your nightly routine.
Have kids help. It happens to all of us: You give your child a chore, but it’s too agonizing watching him a) take forever to clear the table or b) make a huge mess mixing the pancake batter. The temptation is always to step in and do it yourself. But the more you do for them, the less they appreciate your efforts. (Don’t you feel more empathy for people who work outside on cold days when you’ve just been out shoveling snow yourself?) By participating in simple household chores like feeding the dog or stacking dirty dishes on the counter, kids realize that all these things take effort.
Find a goodwill project. That doesn’t mean you need to drag your toddler off to a soup kitchen. Instead, figure out some way he can actively participate in helping someone else, even if it’s as simple as making cupcakes for someone. As you’re stirring the batter or adding sprinkles talk about how you’re making them for a special person, and how happy the recipient will be.
Encourage generosity. One client indicates: “We frequently donate toys and clothes to less fortunate kids–when my daughters see me giving to others, it inspires them to go through their own closets and give something special to those in need, as well.”
Insist on thank-you notes. Sarah (name changed) always makes her girls (Susan, 4 and Regina 6) write thank-yous for gifts. “When they were toddlers, the cards were just scribbles with my own thank-you attached,” she says. “As they grew, they became drawings, then longer letters.” Younger children can even dictate the letter while you write– research shows that the act of saying out loud why the gift was chosen will make them feel more grateful (Grant, 2010).
Practice saying no. Of course kids ask for toys, video games, and candy — sometimes on an hourly basis. It’s difficult, if not impossible, to feel grateful when your every whim is granted. Saying no a lot makes saying yes that much sweeter.
Be patient. You can’t expect gratitude to develop overnight — it requires weeks, months, even years of reinforcement!
Surviving the Holiday Gift Glut
Limit extracurricular giving. Set — and stick to — a no-gifting policy with play-dates, Sunday-school, or preschool buddies.
Take the big day slowly. Instead of one huge gift-grabbing frenzy, have family members open presents one at a time. You can make it a part of the present opening “ritual” with all eyes on the person opening the gift–that way, you have a few moments for appreciation built in.
Stash ’em. Put half of the gifts away and dole them out as rainy day surprises throughout the year.
Downplay the presents. Put more emphasis on celebrating — making cookies, attending church, decorating the tree, lighting the menorah, visiting relatives.
Take them shopping. For other family members, that is. Even better, have them create homemade gifts — even if it’s a crayon drawing. Children get immense pleasure out of giving gifts and seeing you express gratitude to them.
Learning to recognize holiday pressures such as children’s or personal demands, can help
you to combat these stressors before they lead to a meltdown. With a little planning and some positive thinking, you (and your children!) can find peace and joy during the holidays.
American Psychological Association (APA) (2011). How to stay calm during the holidays. Retrieved from: www.apa.org/helpcenter/holiday-coping.aspx.
Anwar, Y. (2010) Teaching kids gratitude instead of entitlement. Retrieved from: http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2010/11/22/gratitude/
Emmons RA, et al. (2003). Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–89.
Grant AM, et al. (2010). “A Little Thanks Goes a Long Way: Explaining Why Gratitude Expressions Motivate Prosocial Behavior,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 98(6), 946–55.
Lewis, B. (2005). What Do You Stand For? For Kids, Free Spirit Publishing.
NMHA. Holiday depression and stress. Mental Health America. Retrieved from: http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=c7df954d-1372-4d20-c80ed0a7ab69d250.
Sansone RA, et al. (2010) “Gratitude and Well Being: The Benefits of Appreciation,” Psychiatry, 7(11), pp. 18–22.
