As we move through the walks of life, we learn tools that help us be more effective, successful, and happy human beings. These tools can come in pretty handy when unpleasant or less than ideal events arise when we’d least like to deal with them.
One such tool is the practice of gratitude. Gratitude refocuses us on our gifts and things we love, when we might otherwise focus on irritations. There’s tremendous research on the benefits of mindfulness and gratitude. One research study and found that gratitude had the strongest relationship to life satisfaction. Another study linked gratitude to greater social support and protection from stress and depression over time. Research evidence suggests that grateful young adolescents (ages 11-13), compared to their less grateful counterparts, are happier and more optimistic, have better social support, are more satisfied with their school, family, community, friends, and themselves, and give more emotional support to others. It’s also been found that grateful teens (ages 14-19) are more satisfied with their lives, use their strengths to better their community, are more engaged in their schoolwork and hobbies, have higher grades, and are less envious, depressed, and materialistic.
These results suggest that gratitude not only helps people form, maintain, and strengthen supportive relationships, but it also helps people feel connected to a caring community. Knowing the benefits that practicing gratitude bestows on kids begs the question: How can we foster more gratitude in children, and ultimately instill a family value of gratitude?
1 – It starts with you– Be a grateful parent: model and teach gratitude
As most parents know, the way you treat your kids affects their development far more effectively than the rules you enforce. When it comes to gratitude, tell your kids why you’re grateful to have them …and do it often.
Our children want to be like us. We provide the blueprint for what to say and what to do and in what contexts. Expressing gratitude through words, writing, and small gifts or acts of reciprocity are all ways to teach children how to become grateful. This practice will help make your appreciation for the goodness in your life more public, showing your kids that blessings abound and that being thankful is a valued attitude. Adults can promote gratitude directly in children by helping them appraise the benefits they receive from others—the personal value of those benefits, the altruistic intention of people providing them, and the cost to those people. This helps kids to consider thinking with more gratitude and less anger when irritating situations arise.
Also, this pratice is more than just counting blessings— try to name them. Have a minute of thanks in the morning—you and your kids can each name a few things you’re thankful for. Whether the list includes a favorite toy, a good grade, or a hug from Grandma, this tradition will start the day off in a positive frame of mind. “Alternately, you can have a minute of thanks at dinner; it makes for pleasant mealtime conversation,” David suggests. “And if you have older kids, encourage them to keep a gratitude journal and write down a few things they were thankful for each day before going to bed.”
2 – Spend time with your kids and be mindful when with them
Believe it or not, children and, yes, even adolescents, like being with their parents. Giving a child a lot of quality time with you teaches them the language of love—life’s greatest gift. Savor every moment together, big and small, and rid yourself of distractions, including your smartphone. Being mindful helps you maintain empathy toward a child, and this provides important modeling of empathy, the most important emotion for developing gratitude and moral behavior. It will also give you and your child a heightened sense of appreciation for your relationship and for the things both of you love.
3 – Look for teachable moments.
Yes, it’s important to have conversations about values with your children on a regular basis—but be aware that from time to time situations that illustrate your point perfectly will arise. Be prepared to use them as the powerful teaching aids that they are. Take one family’s example:
When Tom and Suzie’s tween-age daughter, Elizabeth, broke her iPhone, they bought her a new one. Elizabeth took the phone with no remorse for how she’d treated her previous one and no thanks for getting the most recent iPhone on the market. When confronted about the lack of gratitude and attitude of entitlement she muttered “thanks” and then returned her attention to the phone.
While saying, “Thanks, Mom and Dad, for buying me a new phone” is certainly important, gratitude is more about what’s behind the words. True gratitude is a way of viewing things. It’s a mindset that realizes, Wow, I have a mom and dad. Wow, we have money for me to have a phone. And Mom and Dad care about me enough that they trust me with one of my own.
We live in a culture that teaches, “I deserve it.” Yet that mindset flies in the face of gratitude and can be devastating to our children’s mental health and well-being. As parents, we love our kids, we want them to be well-adjusted and happy, and we’d do just about anything for them; but if we aren’t careful, we can help create and enable within them the “I deserve it” entitlement mentality. To protect against that, as we teach our kids to say “please” and “thank you,” we also need to teach them what’s behind those words and how embracing an attitude of gratitude can help make them more mature and happier human beings.
4 – Focus on what you already have
One advertising strategy is to foster a sense of dissatisfaction with whatever we have. Product marketing strives (very successfuly) to persuade we’ll be dissatisfied until we own it — whatever “it” is. As parents, we should absolutely instill the opposite perspective; our kids are perfect as they are, and should see themselves as such. One way to do this is to intentionally take time to focus on what you DO have rather than what you don’t.
A set of parents I work with taught their young children the “thankful game” where each person (parents too!) names three things they are thankful for. As their children grew older, they encouraged them to name things that were more meaningful l than just “stuff.” This approach helps everyone in the family focus on being “content with what you have” so that when life throws sour lemons everyone is able to recall the sweet things in the midst of life not going the way they had wanted.
5 – Achieve intrinsic goals and encourage helping others and nurturing relationships
It’s very easy for people, especially youth, to pursue extrinsic—or materialistic—goals such as desiring or having possessions that show wealth, status, or convey a certain image. This usually leads to less fulfilling social relationships and forecloses prospects for developing deep connections with others and genuine gratitude. It’s our job as parents to guide our kids toward pursuing intrinsic goals, such as engaging in activities that provide community, affiliation, and growth. When these activities are embarked upon as a family that practice will help everyone achieve goals of belongingness and autonomy, as well as foster personal development, happiness, success, and gratitude. To amplify gratitude as a family value even more, remember to savor accomplishments with each other along the way. By encouraging and modeling gratitude and thanks to people for those who’ve helped meet goals it fosters a sense of unity.
Helping others and being generous are two key ingredients for fostering those concepts in grateful kids. When children lend a hand, especially while using their strengths, they feel more connected to those they’re helping, which helps them to develop and nurture friendships and social relationships. A great way to do this is by teaching them through your actions that other people matter and that tending to relationships should be a priority. To help children strengthen their relationships, you should encourage them to be thoughtful of others, to thank others regularly, and to be cooperative, helpful, and giving.
Gratefulness as a Lifelong Practice
Raising empathetic children who feel grateful for – rather than entitled to – what they have is a steep challenge in today’s society. As you strive toward that goal, keep in mind that each parent decides for his family how much is too much and what is enough. What you consider “right” depends on your personal values and what you want to teach your children about “things,” being responsible, and giving and receiving. Most parents want to raise children who appreciate what they have, show responsibility, have a healthy perspective on material possessions, are generous, and think about the needs of others. The best way to do this is simply to embody those qualities in yourself, and share your happiness and empathy with your children.
